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Posted on January 19th, 2015

My Inspiration

The light of my inspiration has dimmed.
He was a man that most looked up to.
A man who could do what most could not.

Yet now he is a man who seems to have lost his values.
I do not believe it is entirely his fault.
I cannot agree with how he is acting.

But I also do not truly understand the events that have brought us here.

At first I was angry. I knew he needed my support.
I was unable to be of much help, which I still haven’t decided if that was a good or bad thing yet.
I maintained my anger for a while. It still sleeps somewhere in my soul.
But slowly that anger has been replaced by sadness, a sadness I still haven’t quite figured out.
Embarrassed has even been a thing for me. I’ve thought about crying, perhaps letting a tear or two out, because really I’m not sure how to feel. Confusion is about it right now.
Waiting for the next story to be released,
Waiting for his next move and crossing my fingers I don’t feel worse as a result.

I’m trying to keep myself out of the picture here. He is obviously the one with the troubles. But he was my inspiration, and I wonder what my future will be like because I thought I was so similar to him. It seems logical how I can protect myself from the same fate, but the same thing doesn’t have to happen to me for me to suffer in a similar way.

I fear I have lost one of my role models. A part of me can’t let him go, but a part of me is afraid that I have to.

Whenever stories like this drop, you know there’s always more than what is being told. Most of the time we can expect to never know the entire truth. That usually works out for one side, and not the other. I’m not sure which side is holding back what. I want to believe one side is better than the other, but I just don’t have enough information. I hope to someday know more. Maybe then I’ll be able to feel better about things.

Most of you won’t understand the specifics of what this all means, but some of you will know exactly what I’m talking about. And you may disagree with me, but that’s okay. I’m not trying to persuade anyone else a certain way. I’m trying to figure things out for myself, and what it all means to me.

An inspiration is something that leads someone to do something more, or gives the energy to do what needs to be done. He was my inspiration in that I am now a teacher because of what he taught me, and how I could be more like him based on what he valued. I know he still has those values, and it is those values that has led him into making almost every decision he has made. It is a shame that he is apparently confused about the consequences and how everything looks on the outside.

Maybe it’s because he knows you can’t judge a book by its cover. You have to really open up the book and evaluate and analyze everything that’s on the inside to truly know and understand, and reach some valuable realization or conclusion. That is what we are still missing and that is what he is trying to tell us. This is where it gets confusing. Pages are missing from this book. There is no table of contents. It is a work still under construction; one that may never be published, never finished, never for other eyes to see.

At this point in time I can only hope that it all works out in the end, which is lame. For the moment I step lightly, always glancing over my shoulder.

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